no_title_is_cool?

20:21

2012-02-28T02:08:00.002+08:00

so i was studying and i got so bored that i decided to see how long i could hold my breath. yes i was that bored. anyway it reminded me of the time in secondary school where my classmates and i had a breath-holding competition in class because were were that bored.

i held my breath for 2 minutes and beat everyone's asses but then they said i was cheating. whateverrrrr. i aimed to beat my own record today.

i got my phone on stopwatch, took a feel deep breaths and started the time. i closed my eyes and after what seemed like an eternity, opened them to see the time on the stopwatch was... 30 seconds. fuck me. i closed my eyes again and let my heart rate fall.

at 1.30 i was starting to feel the strain. 1.45 i was struggling and my heart was pounding. i gripped the arm rests. 2 minutes. i was dying now. i wondered if it was possible to kill myself by refusing to breathe.

2.10. i started to count the seconds, aiming for 2.30... 2.27, 2.28, 2.29... 2.30! i made it! air never smelled this good. i felt dizzy and i was sure i killed enough braincells to write off the entire day's worth of studying.

after that i went on wiki to find out what was the world record. i was guessing around 10 minutes. it took me a while before i found a relevant page and scrolling through it, i saw 11:35. wow amazing.

and then i scrolled down... WTF 20 MINUTES? put him in a marine environment and his offspring will turn into dolphins in no time.

that bad

2012-02-27T19:39:00.002+08:00

i hate it when people post songs on facebook and it turns out to be crap. i just heard one of those again. my laptop battery was running out and i thought hey why not one last song?

i was anxiously listening to the song and worrying that my battery would die, trying to figure out just what was good about the song, waiting and waiting for the turning point, but no, it remained a piece of shit.

yeah i know music tastes differ and all that, but that doesn't mean that the song you posted was crap. totally no redeeming factors at all.

it was so bad that i had to immediately watch this warpaint video to soothe my bleeding ears.

it was so bad that i had to blog about it.

the stuff of nightmares

2012-02-24T18:19:00.003+08:00

2 nights ago i was watching tv, just chilling out and waiting for my brain to shut down before i went to bed. i switched to mtv and saw there was 'mtv rock,' and this guy was on the screen.

he looked rather freaky and psycho-killer-ish but i was like yeah whatever let's just watch this, the song sounds pretty relaxing anyway. at first i wasn't really paying attention to anything and just trying to figure out who the hell is this guy.

it looked like some sort of old metal band, so i was running though the list of all the old metal bands i knew... judas priest, black sabbath, didn't seem to be any one of them.

then as i was staring at the tv, it suddenly dawned upon me... oh god, what in the fuck am i watching? the imagery was trippy as hell and just so completely fucked up.

it just feels like a nightmare and i was seriously getting worried that i would have a nightmare of it later, but i just couldn't turn it off because i needed to find out who the heck were they.

i couldn't really hear the song because the volume was low so i sat there and watched this freaky dude and the nighmarish video for what seemed like forever.

after a night's sleep filled with dreams that were thankfully not related to the video, i searched for it online and found it was only 6mins long?! considering i probably missed the first minute, it still felt like one of those 10 minute epics that these old rock bands love to do.

i didn't dare to watch it but earlier today i finally gave in to the temptation. still, i only dared to listen to it, and i figured since i didn't really hear it that night, it shouldn't be that bad.

i was so wrong. i had a headache and felt like vomiting. i closed it midway through. watch at your own risk.

the golden age

2012-02-16T03:05:00.000+08:00

if you haven't watched midnight in paris, then you should consider doing so. when i first watched it, i had absolutely no idea what the film was about and had never even heard of it. in fact, i watched it because i really had nothing else to do.

as it turns out, i really liked the movie. it's such a lovely and relaxing film, easy to enjoy and not too much shit going on in it. just watch and imagine all the possibilities.

1973? 73kg? $73?

2012-02-15T02:06:00.002+08:00

last week i was sitting at a bus stop when i decided that this blog has been too dead for too long, and that i should actively take some steps in improving my creativity or at least think of topics to write about.

i figured it would be good to start recording down ideas as they come, because oftentimes such wonderful thoughts just pop up in my mind out of nowhere, and in such perfect composition. when the time comes for me to get it down though, everything seems like such a garbled mess compared to the perfection that came in that fleeting moment.

so anyway today i looked through my phone and found out that i had recorded something that day, a little idea of something to write about. what i had recorded was just '73.' wtf was that supposed to mean?

i searched my memory but nothing. all i could remember was that when i was typing this 73 into my phone, i had briefly considered making a little footnote or short description to help in my writing, but out of laziness and overestimation of my abilities, decided that it wasn't necessary.

so now all i'm left with is this mysterious number and this silly blog post. well at least something came out of it.

control

2012-02-09T01:08:00.002+08:00

for the past year or so, the back of my heels have been in pain whenever i run or play soccer. i don't know what's wrong with it and i haven't really bothered about it since it only hurts but doesn't really affect my mobility.

it really hurts like a bitch though. there was once i was lying in bed after running and i accidentally hit my heels against each other. i lay there paralysed by the pain for a good minute or two before i could move my legs again.

so after some time i figured i could probably convert to some exercise that's not so damaging to my body. swimming? nah too yucky and troublesome. which left me with... cycling. only problem was, i didn't own a bicycle.

previously i've always thought that there was no way i'd choose to cycle when i already had my vespa. every time i zoomed by some poor cyclist struggling by the side of the road, i'd think to myself engine is always better than legs. why suffer when i could just twist the throttle?

but after i planted this bicycle idea in my head, i started to see some tiny windows where cycling didn't seem to be such a bad thing after all... like some days i'd wake up bright and early (rare days) and the weather's so nice that it makes me feel like going out.

and then i'll think, go out and do what? ride my vespa? bleah. jog? it's too tiring. walk? walk to where? and at that point i'll be wishing i had a bicycle. it's fun enough, not tiring, and it's an activity in itself such that i can just cycle and not have to think cycle where?

on sunday 2 weeks ago i finally bit the bullet and got myself a bicycle. just a plain one, nothing fancy, and possibly even a little shitty. i didn't know much (or anything at all) and just bought what was relatively cheap and available. my idea was it'll be fine as long as it worked.

now after a week of cycling, i've started to spot all these annoying problems with it. of course it doesn't help that i've been reading a lot about bicycles online and i can now identify possibly every single fault and deficiency in my bicycle.

and also i've been looking at all these pictures of beautiful bicycles and when i look at mine... combined with all its problems... damn i hope this doesn't get too expensive.

happy new year

2012-01-30T02:22:00.003+08:00

one of the main reasons my mother doesn't particularly like my father's side of the family (all sisters) is that they're generally a rather naggy bunch, and great busybodies as well. this was really quite bad in the past, when they were younger and had more energy to nag and involve themselves in extra activities.

i realised over the past week that my mother still hasn't learnt how to manage them, even after 30 years. this year we were hosting the celebrations so everyone came over and my mother and maid did the cooking. my eldest aunt arrived the earliest and somehow found her way into the kitchen, where she started to help out with everything and quickly became the 'kitchen supervisor.'

she was nagging the shit outta them in the kitchen and it was really annoying even for me to listen to her, so i can't really imagine how my mother and maid felt. (ok i can imagine it because she would nag the shit outta me back when i was younger and when she had more energy and thus was way worse than now)

my mother was just there going along with whatever she was saying, so i couldn't figure out if my aunt was really being useful in the kitchen or what. it was only later when my mother started talking about it with my maid that i understood that they were both dying there.

at that point i was also getting annoyed so i did what my mother should have done right from the beginning: chase her out of the kitchen. it was surprisingly easy, i just told her to go sit down and we'll deal with the cooking, and she did, after some final 'instructions.'

this made me think that a lot my mother's problems with the in-laws could have been solved by some simple people management. it's not like she's some docile creature, but she just finds it impossible to assert herself with them and this lead to so many days of frustration and annoyance.

year of the dragon

2012-01-24T01:16:00.004+08:00

i think my mother finds all these chinese new year stuff to be a chore. me, i feel that it's alright, maybe because i don't really have to do anything except meet some relatives and collect money.

some people may think that it's a waste of time to meet all these relatives once a year and forget about their existence for the remaining days, but i think getting together once a year is better than never a year.

although we don't really have anything in common nor are we really important parts of each others' lives, we are still relatives, all related by blood. it's good to be checking in once a year to make sure everyone's alive and well.

anyway one of the things my relatives like to talk about is how much i resemble my father. every year without fail they'll be like "wowwww you look exactly like your father when he was younger! hey [other relative] come and look at him!"

i'll just be smiling politely while i'm thinking hey, is it really that much of a surprise that i resemble my father? hello? genetics? magic?

oh yeah my fart is so damn smelly now after eating all those new year goodies that i'm having a headache from smelling it.

lovely

2012-01-19T18:32:00.002+08:00

i'm not a complete fan of his work because sometimes i feel that it gets a little too underwhelming and tedious to a certain extent, but oh my when he gets the right mix his songs are perfect.

one morning

2012-01-19T00:24:00.003+08:00

the zombies were coming our way. they had overrun the entire city and there was nowhere left to run and no help in sight. we set up our last line of defence in the lobby of our apartment building. without any guns, all we had were knives and other makeshift weapons. what we could do was only to keep our barricades up and hope to last as long as possible.

i took my girlfriend aside and hugged her tightly in my arms. "no matter what happens, just know that i love you now." she seemed fine and pretty upbeat about our chances in this hell and it lifted my spirits a little too.

the horde was now closing in and the fast ones were already banging on the doors and windows, rattling our flimsy barricades. we rushed to the barricades and pushed against them, keeping as quiet as we could and hoping that the zombies would leave if they thought the place as empty.

it wasn't working and all the banging soon attracted an entire group of them. the barricades were falling and rotting zombie arms were finding their way through, grabbing at whatever they could get their hands on. some of our group got scared and ran away, allowing the barricades to fall and soon the zombies were climbing in.

we fought as hard as we could, slashing and bashing away but it hardly helped. more barricades fell as the men behind were swarmed by the zombies inside the building. the situation was hopeless and i gathered the remaining survivors into the lift and retreated to my apartment high up on the 21st floor. with any luck they'd leave before they found us, but otherwise it'll still give us some precious time to regroup.

from the look in her eyes, i could see that my girlfriend was losing hope and i felt worried for her. i held her and promised that everything would be fine, although in my heart i knew that our situation was dire. there was no way i'd let anything happen to her while i was still around and even if we died, at the very least i didn't want her last hours to be filled with such fear and dread.

the apartment didn't have a gate, just a lousy wooden door that was already falling apart. we started work immediately, looking for planks or whatever we could find to seal up the door. everything was going well. the top half of the door was done and i thought we were finally going to be safe when they came again.

it was much faster than we were expecting and it caught us all off-guard. they were banging at the door and i quickly sat against it to prevent them from pushing it open. i called out for them to bring more stuff to block the bottom part of the door but they were slow and the door was splintering.

hands reached in and were grabbing, clawing at my arms, my face. i couldn't move away because i knew that once they made their way through, we were all dead. i saw the horror in her eyes as my girlfriend watched helplessly. more hands snaked in and around my body...

stuff

2012-01-13T02:49:00.003+08:00

i had a little 'holy shit' moment just now. my friend posted photos of us when we were in our final semester of poly and i was looking at it thinking "hey that wasn't that long ago..." when i realised that holy shit it was 5 years ago.

and also recently i was thinking about my secondary 1 and 2 days and holy shit it was already more than 10 years ago.

anyway last week i went to my brother's army pop ceremony with my family and his girlfriend, and i recalled that it was around this time last year when he first started his strange behaviour so i guess they've been together for about a year now.

my sister too has her boyfriend over all the time although she's the only one here that likes him.

i just found it a little strange that both my siblings seem so easily contented while i've been restless, or rather i've always been questioning things when it comes to such matters.

hopefully now that i'm older i'll have more answers to my questions.

tell all your friends

2012-01-11T02:19:00.005+08:00

it was a few years ago when high-waisted pants first came back into fashion. it was first picked up by a select few misguided fashionistas and i thought it looked so damn bad that they must've been wearing it solely for its kitschy appeal. they looked like maids for fuck's sake.

then as all diseases go, it slowly spread to the general female population. the problem with this pandemic is that these girls get influenced by the look of high-waisted pants on models with a certain body type. on the average female, it just doesn't work and it throws their entire body out of proportion.

it is probably the most unflattering piece of clothing ever. it shortens the torso and cuts the body at such an awkward place, right at tummy where there's flab on most people. it flattens the butt to non-existance and makes the thighs look thick in comparison.

i suppose it's ok to wear if you're one of the girls who doesn't bother about looking good or if you're trying to look as unappealing as possible for whatever reason. otherwise, i think it's fair to assume that you just haven't realised how terrible it looks and i suggest you take my advice and burn those pants.

6pm

2012-01-07T02:53:00.002+08:00

i thought i'd start a new project for this year, something easy to accomplish and still interesting enough. what could i do? being so damn lazy i decided that i'll just take a photograph each day at exactly 6pm, of whatever i'm doing at that time.

i suppose it'll be fun for me to look through it at the end of the year, provided it doesn't end on 21 december.

so on the first day of the new year i was absolutely on the ball, glancing at the time since 530 because i didn't wanna miss it.

on the second day i looked at the time and realised i'd have to change my project to "i'll just take a photograph each day at approximately 6pm."

on the third day i was sleeping and fortunately i woke up in time to snap a shot.

on the fourth day my phone broke down but fortunately it still worked well enough for a photograph.

on the fifth day i sent my phone for repair and delayed it long enough for me to get a shot at 6pm.

now i have no phone and no other camera so my project is on hold. i'll have to wait an entire year before i can complete this project with all days intact. (again, provided the world doesn't end on 21 december)

smooth sailing

2012-01-02T02:27:00.003+08:00

considering all things, 2011 was quite a good year for me. a little boring you could say... nothing happened, but that's good.

there wasn't any time when my mood was really down or bad, but neither did it go up. no new loves and no love lost, no heartbreaks and no heartaches.

i guess 2011 was good because it was finally a year that wasn't bad. really for the first time in... let me count... 6-7 years that i haven't felt particularly bad at any point of the year.

the only thing i didn't like was that i spent 4 months studying. that was boring as shit.

never gets old

2011-12-31T23:59:00.000+08:00

"ten seconds left until midnight
nine chances to drown ourselves in black hairdye
eight faces turned away from the clock
seven windows and six of them were locked
five stories falling
forever and ever
three cheers to the mirror
and now there're two of us
can we have one last dance?"

goodbye, goodbye

2011-12-31T00:22:00.002+08:00

and now a summary of the year, with the first paragraphs of the first posts of each month.

jan
it's been quite a while, but let's round up the year with the next few posts.

feb
"though i'm afraid
afraid that i have made mistakes
now there's nothing here for me
the things you once told me
the thoughts you once gave me
sound like the wind in my ears
that blows out the knots i've got in my long brown hair"
shadows - warpaint

mar
i went on a trip to bandung, indonesia with 3 friends i knew from ns. this was taken outside the airport after we spent over an hour in immigration.

apr
my cat has been here for almost 5 years now, and was only a few months old when it came. after being around humans and ZERO cats for this long, it is quite interesting, yet often overlooked as to how its behaviour came to be more cat-like rather than human-like.

may
i was listening to this video just a minute ago and when he started singing i suddenly felt like crying. tears actually welled up in my eyes WTF?

jun
remember the time when i had a new phone? on tuesday the screen decided to stop working, and i had to switch back to my awesome nokia flip phone.

jul
had this video on repeat for the past week after i heard it on misfits.

aug
last night i went to watch warpaint for the second time this year. their set was short, only about an hour so that was rather disappointing. if a 48-year-old robert smith could play for 3 hours...

sep
there was a group of kids in the waiting area making a hell lot of noise and my friend was trying to shut them up. i went over to have a look and found them talking shit to my friend, so i told him to pretend to note down their group number so that the judges can deduct their score.

oct
about 2 weeks back i finally gave up on having to find some running partners every time i want to go for a jog and decided to fuck it and run on my own.

nov
and just like that, november is here.

dec
so one fine day a few weeks ago, i was waiting to cross the road in front of my house. across the road there was a girl in jc uniform waiting to cross over too.

5 significant songs, 2011

2011-12-30T01:47:00.003+08:00

in chronological order

1. foals - spanish sahara
this was in the beginning of the year after i went to laneway festival. before that, i didn't see much in foals but they really impressed me with their live performance.

my friend and reader (probably 1 of 3 who still come here) dqb happened to be very into this song too, which made me more interested in it.

2. warpaint - shadows
i got to see warpaint twice this year and it was lovely. there was a time when i was obsessively listening to their songs and i really found it amazing that i just couldn't get sick of them.

amongst their songs, i have a few that i like more than the others, but this one probably stands out because twice i've seen them and twice they didn't play it. in fact, a search on youtube seems to show that they never ever play it live.

3. damien rice - delicate
it was in june when i first heard this song on misfits. june was a very transitional period for me, having finally finished my exams and i was just constantly wondering 'what's next?'

what's next was i bought a laptop and downloaded all these shows, and misfits was one that really messed with me to the point where i stopped watching it.

4. bright eyes ft. tom morello - arienette / no one would riot for less
i've said enough about this here and here. i had arienette on repeat on youtube for a few weeks straight and it was just driving me insane how damn good it was and yet i knew no one to share it with who could appreciate it as much.

5. brand new - daisy
this one's been around the entire year. to me, this song is about rebirth. sometimes in life we find ourselves stuck in what we're supposed to be, and just can't get out.

for example imagine a hermit doesn't wanna be alone anymore, but he doesn't know any other way to live, or even perhaps he feels like he'll be betraying the very essence of who he is.

we're all stuck in some way or another but it's ok to change, allow yourself to be reborn and it'll be alright.

so small

2011-12-28T20:59:00.003+08:00

i was watching the sun set and it just made me think if i followed the sun far enough over the horizon, it would be right overhead in central africa, and how our setting sun was just rising in new york, half a world away.

just like heaven

2011-12-26T23:55:00.001+08:00

i remember a time where i could feel so strongly about this song.

now, not so much.

links on a chain

2011-12-20T01:42:00.004+08:00

recently i met up with some of my platoon mates from BMT, which was during the period of july to september 2008. since then, this is probably only the third time we've met up, and each time with a different group of people.

so as expected, we were sharing (or reminding each other of) stories during BMT. some stories i never heard of or can't remember at all, and others i recall vividly, but even the stories i remembered, the storyteller would interpret the incidents in a way totally different from mine.

i thought it was interesting that although we experienced our BMT together as a platoon, we each brought back vastly different versions of our time there. perhaps this is to be expected for such a big group of 40 people, but if we narrow it down to the smallest unit of measure, let's say a couple in a relationship, would it be any different?

for a couple who are in love with each other, wouldn't it be kinda silly when this 'love' they share is in fact a very different thing to each of them?

would it be correct then to say that what they love is not their partner, but rather just who they picture this person to be?

are we then merely in love with ourselves?

give it a go

2011-12-19T02:45:00.003+08:00

when i first heard daisy in 2009, i didn't like it, especially coming after that masterpiece of an album in the devil and god are raging inside me.

my expectations were high and the album just came across as being a notch too weird for my liking. at that time, i remembered telling myself that i didn't really like the entire devil and god album when i first heard it too. maybe this one would be the same.

i tried my best but i just couldn't feel it in daisy, and i gave up after a few listens, only popping by once in a while over the next year. (i think it also had something to do with the shitty audio on the computer i was using back then)

then earlier this year i came across these videos of their acoustic session and it just blew everything out of the water. the acoustic versions of the song put everything in a new light and i was drawn back to the album. how did i miss out on such gems?

and so fueled by this new appreciation, i began regularly listening to the album and fell deeply in love with it, at the moment even surpassing my love for the devil and god.

it's really crazily off-the-charts good.

surrender

2011-12-17T03:54:00.002+08:00

it was in the early months of 2010 and my mood was at the lowest it had been in years. things weren't right, both in my head and the stuff that was going on around me.

it came to a point where i didn't want to sink any further because then it'll be hell trying to get out of the hole. so one night i came to the conclusion that the best thing i could do was to surrender.

i surrendered and everything felt alright. i didn't have any expectations, didn't harbour any hopes, i didn't struggle against the tide. i emptied myself of all emotions and just allowed things to be as they were and it was fine.

not that things weren't just as bad as they had been, it was just that i didn't feel it anymore and that's all that matters. i guess that was the closest i've come to attaining nirvana.

dearth

2011-12-17T03:30:00.002+08:00

it's late and i can't sleep. i thought i should update this blog of mine and so i opened this and haven't figured out what to fill it up with. i loitered around the web, hoping to find something but somehow i feel that the web has been devoid of inspiration for the longest time.

it's all tumblr and photos and no one bothers to write anymore. well who am i to complain? i haven't been writing too. i went to check out msn and that place is one barren desert these days. everyone's on mac and msn doesn't work well on there. it's difficult to keep up a decent online conversation on facebook or wherever the fuck else.

oh gosh

2011-12-08T22:15:00.000+08:00

i've always been fascinated by the vampire genre since i was young.

there are the action-packed ones, like those old chinese movies with hopping vampires and yellow talisman, and the blade series. merciless killers that will stop at nothing to suck your blood, or intelligent psychopathic killers that will also stop at nothing to suck your blood.

as i grew older, my tastes gravitated towards the romanticised ideas of vampires. immortal beings walking the earth for eternity, cursed to be both human and monster. to be so tired of this world that their death just seems so much more appealing.

i never really got deep into it though. i read christopher pike's the last vampire in secondary school and found it quite nice, and when i was younger i watched bits of interview with the vampire on tv, which was what got me interested in the romanticised vampires.

and then along came the fucking abomination that is TWILIGHT. holy shit it was terrible. i didn't enter the cinema with high expectations, or any expectations at all. sure the books were popular as hell, but i once read a page and decided that it was shit.

the movie couldn't be that much different, could it? holy shit it exceeded all my expectations. it was so bad that midway through the movie i actually felt myself getting really angry that these movie producers thought that it was alright to sell this piece of shit to us.

like for fuck's sake, somewhere along the whole chain from the earliest production to the final review, someone, somewhere must have realised that it was a complete piece of shit right? NO! it still made it all the way through.

that movie alone turned me off all the recent spate of vampire series that everyone's crazy about. i figured that they all came out because of the popularity of twilight to ride on its coattails, and if twilight sucked so so so bad, these couldn't be too far behind.

so yeah, fuck all of them. true blood, vampire diaries, what else? blame it all on that fucking twilight.

erm

2011-12-08T03:19:00.002+08:00

i have been sick since sunday and this afternoon i had the weirdest dream ever. i was having the chills and fever at the same time. i would first feel cold, and wrap myself up in the blanket. then i'll start to overheat and sweat and then have to lie out in the open again.

in my semi-conscious state, i was trying my best to find the equilibrium point from which i would be finally able to sleep in peace. i was rolling around in bed, having a battle with my pillows and blanket.

so while doing this, i dreamt that my body was being split into 5 parts (i was actually something like a starfish) by some niggers and they were stacking the parts on top of each other to find the perfect temperature range.

when that failed, they decided to bring each part of my body to a different place, for example one into the snow, one into the desert, so that overall the differences would even each other out to equilibrium.

seriously though, i know i was sick and all, but what the fuck kinda dream was that?!

and not a single fuck was given

2011-12-04T00:53:00.005+08:00

so one fine day a few weeks ago, i was waiting to cross the road in front of my house. across the road there was a girl in jc uniform waiting to cross over too.

at first glance she looked pretty nondescript and i was just minding my own business when it suddenly hit me. there was something really special about this girl and her stock just shot up a thousand points.

there was an aura about this girl that i could just sense. even in her neat uniform, ponytailed hair, simple shoes and backpack, she just exuded an attitude that could best be described as 'i don't give a fuck.'

you see, i often find that people these days like to bother themselves with lots of superfluous issues that really shouldn't matter at all. instead, they allow these things to slowly take over their lives. they don't even realise it because it just feels so natural.

the art of not-giving-a-fuck is one that is dying and so rarely seen, yet so highly-prized by me. it isn't about not giving a fuck about everything, but rather having enough good sense to only bother with the issues that truly matter.

thus you can imagine how i felt when i realised that i had just found a living specimen just across the road from me.

from that moment on i stole glances at her, not wanting to go all-out creepy, but with each glance she seemed to get prettier and it got harder for me not to look.

i wished that the train of vehicles would not end. finally it did, and with a heavy heart i began crossing the road, as did she.

as i passed her, i took one final glance, hoping that she would look up too and i would catch her eye. alas, one of the pains of being attracted to such a girl is that the chances are, i'm also included in the grand list of things she doesn't give a fuck about.

and indeed she didn't, and she passed without once looking up. i wonder if she heard my heart shattering.

the lists go on

2011-11-30T23:14:00.002+08:00

i really dislike the little window between the time i lie in bed and the time i fall asleep. every night i make up lists of stuff in my head to pass the time and it's rather effective. only in a few instances have i managed to complete an entire list without first falling asleep.

top 5 sexiest girls
top 5 girls i would go out with (not same list as above)
what to bring if i were to go live in the wild right now (items that i currently own)
what to bring on a trip around the world
steps to take in a zombie apocalypse

some moaning and groaning

2011-11-26T17:37:00.002+08:00

the decemberists are so good but for some reason i don't listen to them as much as i should. maybe there's a limited dosage of such jangly music i can take before it gets overbearing.

water of life

2011-11-26T02:48:00.004+08:00

it's almost 3am now and i was bored so i thought of making myself a drink with the limited resources i have. i went to youtube to search for some whiskey cocktails but ended up watching this series of videos.

there's a bottle of green label sitting in the cupboard, and inspired by the video, i poured myself a glass and dropped an ice cube in.

when i think of whiskey, what comes to mind is all the drunken nights spent mixing cheap whiskey with whatever the hell we could find, but most of the time coke.

there was a period where i could more or less gulp it down without any problem, but one day i got terribly drunk on whiskey and since then the smell of it is enough to give me nightmares.

the first thing the guy in the video did was to smell it. he said "you should get a sense of the outdoors. forest, smokiness, seashore, mint honey, what do you get?" in one of his other videos, he also said that "there is no wrong answer."

well, i smelled it and all the nightmares came right back. i remembered drinking king robert's whiskey (the cheapest and shittiest) at my friend's place in the afternoon and then going to town drunk. drinking martell (expensive and not worth it) in clubs during the time where it seemed to be the 'cool drink' for my friends to buy.

from black label in vietnam and puking black stuff at the airport, to red label in 2010 (elliott smith's favourite), whiskey really shows its true colours when it comes up at the end of the night. puking it out, it gets in my nose, my throat. the smell is unmistakable and unforgettable.

although it may seem disgusting now, those times were really fun, or at least before i started puking. vodka, tequila, beer, they just don't seem to invoke the same kind of memories like whiskey does.

oh, and that glass of whiskey? i took a few sips and it was disgusting so i gulped it all down and it burned all the way into my stomach.

now watch this video for a few giggles and i'll leave you with this song.

smooth sailing

2011-11-24T17:18:00.003+08:00

some songs to pass the time

college - a real hero
massive attack - paradise circus
kleerup - until we bleed
warpaint - shadows (neon lights remix)
crystal castles - celestica

another day late and one year older

2011-11-18T04:06:00.004+08:00

"but eventually over time we all become our own doppelgangers. you know, these completely different people who just happen to look like us."
- ted mosby

i was listening to some old decemberists songs and it brought me back to the period where they hold the strongest memories. that was way back in 2006-2007. was i really like that? i asked myself.

i then brought forward the timeline to something more recent, 2008-2009, and i was similarly shocked by what i remember myself to be, or what i have since turned into.

in fact, i think about this all the time, but different days bring different perspectives.

sometimes i find it not such a big deal, but other times i get quite disturbed that i've changed so much. things that i once believed in, i no longer see the importance in. ideals that i used to seek, i now deem impossible to achieve.

today i don't feel comfortable. i'm wondering if these changes were for better or worse? could i somehow extract the best parts of each period and bring them all into the present?

is it just that i now 'know better' than that previous naive version of me? or am i just inevitably getting older and colder?

maybe i'm just getting tired. after all it's already 5 in the morning.

they call me tiger

2011-11-09T01:18:00.004+08:00

last week i was thinking to myself how i seemed to like to watch any sporting event that's on, all the more so if it's a final or a special event. it's just great to watch these athletes battle it out.

i watched the rugby world cup finals, some tennis occasionally, back in poly i used to go to the tv room to watch american football on monday mornings instead of going to class.

snooker, football, basketball, triathalons, track & field, swimming, curling, bowling, racing, aussie rules, rugby league, mma, skateboarding, bmx, bass fishing, boxing, rock climbing, i really watch everything if i get the chance to.

so i was wondering if there was any one sport that i was totally not interested in... and i realised it was GOLF. bores the shit outta me and i get so annoyed whenever it's shown on tv because it just means that it's taken the place of some other awesome sport that could otherwise be on.

golf... all i see are people swinging, and then they're walking, and then someone else takes a swing, and more people walking. there's no continuity and i have no clue what's going on. it seems hardly worth being called a sport.

and as luck would have it, a few days later i wound up at an indoor driving range simulator. you hit the ball and it flies onto a canvas with the golf course projected onto it, and some sensors will indicate where your shot ends up.

i never thought that golfing was easy by any stretch of my imagination, but neither did i ever think that i would suck so badly at it. i lined up my swing, adjusted my stance, everything seemed fine to me. i took a swing and SWOOSH went the club. the ball remained on the tee.

this happened enough times to make me work up a little sweat, until i finally decided that maybe i'm just not born to play golf. but just as well, since i hate it anyway...

17 july 2004

2011-11-07T05:16:00.003+08:00

this blog has been going on for 7 years now and although i'm definitely not as funny or interesting as i was before, and neither do i update as frequently or have as much to say, it is still great to have around just so i have a little record of the past 8 years of my history.

just through a few clicks, i can read up on what was going through my mind on this very day, back in 2004. i said that i hated the stars in the sky, and guess what? i still do now. that little 16 year old me, who thought he knew the world. look at me now! and then in 7 years' time i'll be reading this and i wonder what'll be going through my mind.

this blog is me, my history and all the baggage i carry. i don't wanna let go of a single bit of it. some parts of my memories fade away, some parts are just not there anymore, but none of this happened willingly. as far as i can, i would want to remember everything, every ounce of pain and every bit of happiness just as it was the moment i felt it.

dead girls don't cry

2011-11-05T00:40:00.002+08:00

it always starts off with a buzzing in my ear. bzzz bzzz. dafuq is dat? as i start to notice it, the buzzing grows louder and clearer.

it is now a low rumble, but loud enough in my head to drown out the lecturer's voice. i look towards where the sound is coming from.

i can now hear their mumble. this time it's 2 ugly bitches. sitting there in the fucking lecture theatre, facing each other and yapping away.

have you ever watched tv when it's on mute? i suggest you try it, and stare at the mouths of the people while they are talking.

it's one of the most irritating experiences ever, seeing their lips and jaws contorting to such curious positions. it's something you never ever notice when the volume is up.

so i'm staring at the 2 ugly bitches, watching their mouths yapping away. FUCK that's disgusting. the feeling of annoyance comes like a twitch at the base of my skull.

my rage grows. the mumbling gets louder. i'm starting to understand how some murders happen. it's not like they want to kill, it's just that they need to get rid of this feeling.

her mouth stops moving. they turn to face the front. the mumbling stops. i can breathe again.

peeing music

2011-11-03T23:33:00.002+08:00

i was in a toilet of a shopping centre one day and this song was playing softly in the background. while peeing and thinking about all the random things that people think of when they're peeing, i began to notice the noise in my ear was actually a song.

not too bad, i thought, not really paying attention. then as i listened harder, i knew i had to figure out what song it was for future listening. so i tried to do what i always do in such situations, listen out for a clear line in the song lyrics and then search for it online.

seems easy right? but i was in a toilet where people were peeing and shitting and flushing and washing, and the low volume of the music really didn't help. i strained my ears and finally caught this "make me wanna throw a shoe."

turns out it was good enough.

writing this reminds me of the time i was in a clothing shop and there was a nice song playing. it was chill and electronic, and FRENCH. i tried my very best but deciphering french is definitely not something that i'm good at.

i hate you

2011-11-02T15:58:00.002+08:00

why do you step into the crowded canteen with your friends, only to stop right in front of the entrance and ask "hey do you guys want to eat?" GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY.

why do you love to talk to your friends during lectures? it's annoying enough to have to listen to a boring lecture without hearing you cunts yapping away. SHUT THE FUCK UP.

why do you answer your phone in the library? yes, we can hear every single word that you're whispering. yes, we can even hear what the person on the line is saying. SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET THE FUCK OUT.

boom

2011-11-01T03:29:00.001+08:00

and just like that, november is here.

brightest of all

2011-10-25T17:00:00.000+08:00

after coming across that arienette video a few weeks ago, it rekindled a sort of bright eyes obsession and i've been watching their live performances on youtube almost every day.

i've been listening to that song in its original form for years now, and suddenly he makes this performance that just made my head go BOOM and shattered everything i knew.

the video is really something to behold, but i am totally unable to find anyone who can truly understand just how awesome it is. i don't even know a single person who really likes the band.

i can't share my feelings with anyone about the video so all i can do is watch and rewatch it, and it just fuels this insanity.

thank god for the guy who filmed the performance and uploaded it, because otherwise it'll be lost forever, surviving only in the minds of those few lucky enough to have been there.

just imagine them retelling this tale so their friends and children and grandchildren to the point where it reaches legendary status, complete with fireworks in the background at the climax of the song.

anyway i've been listening to all the different live versions of this song all day, and this video is one of the better ones.

"i'm leaving this place
but there's nothing that i'm planning to take
just you..."

arienette

2011-10-19T01:14:00.004+08:00

"...the way they talk about the guy’s feelings of being excluded in a social conversation they had earlier. the way they could see each other’s vulnerability and make an effort to protect one another. the way they feel it’s okay to feel this way, to feel vulnerable..."

i read this on my friend's blog and i sort of realised that i've never thought of a relationship in this way before. to me, such issues are more of personal problems that i think that you have to deal with on your own, because at the end of the day, it's all in your head and only you can fix it.

anyway a relationship is already a fecking minefield on its own, and i'm sure it could make do with one less problem. "sharing your problems" just mean that you remove some of the weight and let someone else carry it. in the end the weight still has to be carried.

this is the perfect song for people who feel the opposite of me. the world is a scary place, and arienette is the only one who can keep him safe and sane. one girl to make everything worth living through.

october 2008

2011-10-12T22:07:00.002+08:00

today i went back to camp to do my ippt. being back again made me think of all the days i spent there.

on this day 3 years ago, we had only just been there for 3 weeks. still in the wide-eyed shitty state, not quite sure what's going on, we were getting fucked from all directions and unaware of how to protect ourselves.

those early days were among the worst of all. those days seemed like they would last forever and made me wonder how would i survive the whole 8 months.

watching some of the poor souls marching around, i could almost close my eyes and bring myself back to the days when i was one of them too. the sights and smells, the thoughts and feelings i had in my head, they're all so clear.

now that the pain is long gone, all that's left behind is this strange feeling when i think of the old days.

a living nightmare

2011-10-11T12:09:00.005+08:00

this morning it was raining so heavily and i don't have school today! what a perfect morning to sleep in.

BUT... i was shaken out of my slumber at 8am by something WAILING away outside my room. what in the fucking hell is that animal? at first i tried to ignore it and managed to drift off into a light sleep, only to be jolted awake again seconds later.

once my head cleared, it became apparent that the wailing was coming from an animal known as The Maid, aka The Number 1 Songstress of The House.

i lay in bed calmly, hoping that the wailing would go away. maybe she came across her favourite part of her favourite song, and just couldn't resist singing it. but no, she carried on.

i lay in bed getting a little agitated, still hoping that the wailing would go away. i could hear her mopping the floor. maybe she would slip and smash her head on the floor? but no, she carried on.

by now, i felt like punching something. i went out into the living room. she was mopping the floor, the radio was on, AND she had her earphones plugged in to her handphone and was listening to whatever fucking shit song that she was still belting out at full volume.

i told her to shut it, but she couldn't hear me over the fucking racket that was the radio + her wailing + her earphones. i walked right up to her. stop singing, i said through gritted teeth. if i hadn't clenched my jaw as hard as i had, the words would have came out more to the extent of STOP THAT FUCKING SINGING, but yea, self-control is a virtue.

she looked up from her mopping with such a puzzled expression on her face, like never in her wildest dreams she could have thought that anyone wouldn't love her beautiful singing. WELL, THE TRUTH IS ALWAYS PAINFUL, BITCH.

so there, i had slayed the beast. it was now time to go back to sleep. i lay down in bed... and couldn't sleep. FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lines crossed

2011-10-11T02:37:00.003+08:00

so this afternoon i was calling my friend who was in school and a woman picked up. i thought it was one of the girls playing around, but i could hear some kids' noises in the background. it gave me the impression of a kindergarten.

strange, so i was like erm, hello, joel?

"joel? who is joel?!" she sounded indian.

fucking strange, so i just hanged up. afterwards when i met him, i called and it went through without any problem. i don't know how did it get connected to this woman's phone the first time.

after half an hour i got a message from a strange number. "why who r u?where u get my #?"

i told her i was calling my friend and somehow it got connected to her phone.

she replied "oh i see,u talk already 2 ur frend,by the way im shawie?"

holy fuck is she trying to befriend me? this crazy bitch must have watched one too many romantic films and probably thinks that she's fated to be together with me. but could i blame her? after all, what are the chances of the phone line randomly connecting to her?

i thought about it for a second. am i really fated to be together with 'shawie,' a crazy indian bitch probably in her 30s, working in a kindergarten, and with such terrible english?

HELLLLLLLL NO. i didn't reply.

where did the days go?

2011-10-09T01:40:00.003+08:00

under one of the blocks near my house is a clinic that my family always go to when we're sick. it's been there for at least the past 10 years, with the same doctor and receptionist/sometimes nurse.

a few days ago i was at the bus stop when i saw the receptionist there. she got on the same bus as me so i had the chance to study her for a little bit.

it might have been a bad day, but she looked quite haggard, skin dry and eyes sunken in, almost like she's lost a part of her soul.

back in the day, she was a real pretty girl. i remember sneaking glances at her whenever my mother wasn't looking. i haven't seen her face for quite some time because nowadays she's always wearing a face mask due to all the swine flu and bird flu shit.

during my last trip to the doctor i saw her tired eyes and thought just how terrible it was for her to spend her whole youth in that little clinic, 6 days a week, working till 11 at night with only that doctor for company (and he's not even hot). all her beauty wasted behind that desk.

she must now be at least in her 30s and still looks rather pretty but it was really such a shame to have seen her that day, a painful reminder that these days once gone will never be back.

the kiss

2011-10-05T01:57:00.002+08:00

"she remembered something a woman in paris had told her once. a woman in her forties, much married, elegant, a little world-weary. ‘there is nothing easier in this world,’ this woman had claimed, ‘than getting a man to kiss you.’ ‘oh really?’ eva had said, ‘so how do you do that?’ ‘just stand close to a man,’ the woman had said, ‘very close, as close as you can without touching - he will kiss you in one minute or two. it’s inevitable. for them it’s like an instinct - they can’t resist. infallible."
– william boyd

actually this trick works on women too. it's just rather unfortunate that it seems a whole lot more creepy for a guy to start standing so close to a woman than for a woman to do it on a man.

however if creepiness is not a constraint to you, i would urge you to try it, as long as you don't have breath that smells like death. and also don't stand close to a stranger on the train and expect her to kiss you.

hyg

2011-10-03T01:47:00.002+08:00

about 2 weeks back i finally gave up on having to find some running partners every time i want to go for a jog and decided to fuck it and run on my own.

so one evening, i went down to the park connector behind my house. i was expecting to see a lot of old men and women and some fit young men, but i was pleasantly surprised by the number of hot young girls running there too.

one of the reasons i didn't wanna run alone was because i thought it would bore the shit outta me, and the hot young girls there definitely provided me with something interesting to think about while i ran.

however, some days i went quite late and there weren't any hot young girls (fear of the dark?) but somehow i didn't feel bored like i thought i would be.

then i realised the real reason didn't wanna run alone because it just feels so utterly retarded to be running by the pavements that i cannot possibly do it alone. running at the secluded park connector with all these people just felt like a normal activity, not the least bit retarded.

so yea, the point of this is actually just to let you know that there are a lot of hot young girls running with me and that you should wish me luck with them.

they're all gone

2011-09-27T02:17:00.004+08:00

as i watch all these old and seemingly insignificant places being torn down and rebuilt in the name of progress, i can't help but feel that yet another piece of our country's history is lost.

perhaps more painfully, we're slowly being detached from our own personal histories. where are the places you used to go when you were young? what happened to the old playgrounds? where's the bench you sat at and had your first kiss?

i think there's a certain sense of comfort in knowing that the past, present and future will be intact and you've contributed to a part of its history.

strolling down a walkway and imagining the generations of people before you who have done the same, and knowing that things are just as they've always been, unchanged and maintaining that little link to a time long gone.

written 16 september 2011

forgotten

2011-09-24T01:57:00.002+08:00

life is all about changes but we all try our mighty best to make things remain as they are. aren't we fighting against life itself then? no wonder we're always so miserable because we can never win and still keep on fighting, struggling.

this is the story of the stubborn man trying to move a mountain. it can never be done, everyone tells him, but the stubborn man will not be told what he can or cannot do. he shifts the mountain everyday till one fine day he could do no more and he died. it CAN be done, he had told himself everyday. yes it can, but it's gonna kill you before that. the stubborn (and now dead) man also did not realise that by moving the mountain, he was merely placing it somewhere else and one day, he or another stubborn person would have to move it again.

fighting, struggling, we do that all our lives but are we gonna win? can we win? perhaps the wisest thing anyone has done was to give up, to rise above it all and realise that we are just here for a ride. enjoy the view but don't bother trying to fight the currents. enjoy it, so when the end comes at least you'll go in peace, knowing that things were actually quite beautiful, a beauty that was never seen by those busy struggling.

it's a beautiful world, but most of the time even i who know of the beauty forget to appreciate it.

written august 2010

damn

2011-09-19T23:30:00.002+08:00

on thursday school's finally starting again, and just as well since i'm almost starting to feel stagnant here. the past 4 months of holidays don't even feel half as long as the 4 months i spent studying though.

i haven't done anything noteworthy this holiday, just chilling and enjoying the feeling of doing nothing. back when i was still studying for my exams, there were a ton of holiday plans being thrown around.

australia, bali, phuket, hongkong, taiwan... but in the end nothing came of it and i too didn't really feel the pressing need to go anywhere or else i would have done something about it.

from now till february, it's gonna be my last ever school term so i better enjoy it while it lasts. things are gonna be crazy after that.

10pm

2011-09-14T23:15:00.002+08:00

it was a dark night as i climbed up onto the parapet outside a stretch of hotel rooms. walking down the line, my partner and i peered into each room through the windows until i came across a woman sitting upright in a sort of crevice in the facade of the building.

was she dead? it was too dark to tell. i signaled my partner to check out the room ahead as i attended to the woman. the window was shattered, that's all i could tell from where i was. i tapped the girl on her cheek and shoulder, but she remained motionless and limp. i thought she was dead.

suddenly my partner ran out of the room and pulled the woman out from the crevice, propping her up in his arms. in the dim light, i could tell that she was his wife and immediately knew some serious shit was going down. he said that his son had been murdered in the room and i guess his injured wife had managed to escape and hid herself there.

he shook her a few times and she slowly came to. she started crying but otherwise seemed unnaturally calm, and i was worried that she would turn hysterical once she realised what had happened. as i was watching her cry, i came under the impression that i was somehow in love with this woman.

i took out my handcuffs and said i wanted to cuff them both together, in case she turned hysterical and tried to do something stupid like jump off the building. they protested at my inhumane actions but i persisted, saying it was for her own good.

i cuffed one of her wrists to one of his and then we helped her up. there was no other exit so we had to walk through the room. i saw the bed was a bloody mess and the wall by the bed was covered in blood too. i had to fight the urge to hug her as we helped her through the room.

out in the corridor, other policemen were arriving at the scene. we walked past a smirking man in plain clothes and the woman suddenly lunged towards him, screaming, but we held her back. i recognised that man as a crooked cop. calm down, we told her. she was probably already a suspect now and attacking the guy wouldn't help things.

we didn't ask, but it seemed obvious that this man was the murderer. how could she walk by and pretend that nothing happened, she asked. "the most important thing now is to secure your position," i said through gritted teeth as we left the area. "and then what?!" she shouted.

"and then we plan our revenge."

and that was it

2011-09-13T15:08:00.004+08:00

i don't believe there's such a thing as 'still being friends' with an ex-lover. once you get past a certain point in your relationship, you really cannot be considered 'friends' any longer.

how can you go back to being friends if you weren't friends to begin with?

i think people want to be friends in order to assuage their guilt, alleviate the pain of separation, a sort of half-life between lovers and nothing.

in the end all it does is to drag this rotting shit on and on, and you can smell the stench every single time you meet this 'friend' of yours.

the time i became a taxi driver

2011-09-11T18:57:00.002+08:00

so one day last week i got so sick of the kids that i just decided to fuck it and sleep. i was awoken from my nap by a group of kids standing in front of me, saying "why is he sleeping here? why are you so tired?"

"ARGH last night i drive taxi, now very tired. GO AWAY DON'T DISTURB ME!" and i closed my eyes again. i could hear them discussing among themselves: "why he drive taxi at night then now still must work here?" "AH I KNOW! I KNOW! must be he very POOR! he need a lot of money!"

afterwards i tried to further drag these little fuckers into my world of lies and deception, offering to drive them home in my taxi after they were done there. they believed me but declined my kind offer. they asked me how old i was and when i told them to guess, there came replies of 21, 29 and 39. WTF?

i told my other colleagues about this stupid story and had a good laugh, and soon i was known as the Taxi Driver to my colleagues and that group of kids. my colleagues continued spreading my taxi driver story, in part because i was late almost every single morning. "last night he drive taxi that's why he's always late."

then earlier this week, a new group of colleagues joined us. half-jokingly, my colleagues told them about my other job as a taxi driver. before long, they were coming up to me asking if i was really a taxi driver... HOW COULD I SAY NO?

i guess partly because they'd feel bad not to believe me in case i was really a poor guy who had to work day and night, and also partly because i'm so good at this shit, or perhaps because there wasn't really any reason not to believe me, but they all did.

some smarter ones asked why did i ride to work everyday if i had a taxi, and i told them i had to pass the taxi to my day-shift partner and ride to work, and then ride over to collect the taxi from him at night. they also asked all sorts of other questions, like if it was scary to drive at night, how long have i been driving, and of course how old i was.

again, i told them to guess and this time it was 23-29.
***i don't really look that old. their estimations were skewed by the knowledge of my taxi-driving. other times people have asked me which poly i was in or if i was waiting for NS.***

on the final day of work, we were leaving the place and some of my new colleagues were hitching a ride on one of their cars. i went to the carpark to get my bike and LO AND BEHOLD, there was a taxi parked right beside his car... HOW COULD I RESIST?

together with my cousin and another colleague, we went up to 'my' taxi. "hey where you guys going?" i asked. "wanna take my taxi? but i charge you by meter!" i took out some keys from my pocket and pretended to open the door. "i'm dropping them off too," i said, referring to my cousin and the colleague with us.

some of them were still alert and asked why was i holding my helmet if my taxi was there. "my night-shift partner has something on later so he left the taxi here. i will get my bike tomorrow." and that convinced them once and for all.

"so who wanna take my taxi?" i asked again. "hurry up if not i'm going off already." finally one of them took the bait. "ok lah you drop me off at jurong?" she asked, as she grabbed her belongings and headed towards my taxi...

"HAHHAHAHAA FUCK YOU ALL, YOU REALLY THINK I'M A TAXI DRIVER?" and we all burst out in hysterical laughter for a good minute, even her friends, everyone except her. later as i was riding off, she stuck her head out of the car window and shouted "RYAN I HATE YOUUUUU!"

oh well, haters gonna hate.

lessons from my favourite songs III

2011-09-06T22:50:00.002+08:00

it always starts off with a spark. it could be from anywhere, the tiniest of things creating the tiniest of sparks. if it catches, there's still a chance to put out the smouldering embers. stomp it, piss on it, anything, because if you don't act fast enough, it's gonna grow and then all that's left for you is to sit back and watch it burn, burn until it engulfs you.

damn

2011-09-03T16:53:00.002+08:00

there was a group of kids in the waiting area making a hell lot of noise and my friend was trying to shut them up. i went over to have a look and found them talking shit to my friend, so i told him to pretend to note down their group number so that the judges can deduct their score.

he pretended to write something on his clipboard and the kids were like "HEYYYYY why you minus our score?" so i told them to shut up or we'll minus their score further. they then continued talking shit to me so i got my friend to 'minus their score' a few more times (don't think they really cared).

after a while we got tired of talking to them little fuckers so i started to leave. my friend told them, "ok i am not going to do anything to you. just sit down here and don't misbehave." one of the little fuckers replied, "but if you are not going to do anything, does that mean that we can misbehave and nothing will happen to us?"

FFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!

from afar

2011-08-29T23:01:00.003+08:00

there're a lot of pretty exhibits at the science centre, like the one where electricity jumps between 2 rods, or the one which mimics the atmosphere of jupiter, but my favourite is the one that looks like a tornado.

it's just a tall column of spinning mist, going round and round and round, but ever so often i find myself just standing there staring at it, so pretty and enthralling.

sometimes i stick my hands into the ethereal, wispy column but all that happens is that the airflow gets disrupted and everything is destroyed.

for all its beauty, i can't touch it, can't bring it home, so what good is it to me?

little ones

2011-08-28T01:38:00.002+08:00

i've spent the past week doing some work at an event involving a whole damn lot of school children, from primary all the way to tertiary level, their age probably from 9-18.

being around the primary school kids just caused me to affirm my dislike towards them. kids, they're cute from around 1-5 years old. after that they turn into little fuckers, and then grow up into big fuckers. there's really no other way out.

anyway it seems that kids these days are turning into FEARLESS little fuckers, ever since the government stopped teachers from properly disciplining them (aka smacking the shit outta them). besides that, parents can also get into trouble with the law for smacking too much shit outta their children.

instead, we've now moved into a new age of parenting and teaching, where the parents and teachers have to reason with the kids in order to stop them from doing whatever shit that these little fuckers are up to. i don't think they can even shout at the kids.

obviously it is impossible to reason with kids when their brains aren't even properly developed, so these little fuckers are now free to do as they please. what's the worse that could happen? teacher is going to scold me? does that hurt? no. do you think i care? no.

all week i've been resisting the urge to chokeslam them. it's so tempting, it's killing me inside. apart from my inner turmoil, i've been rather nice to them as compared to one of my co-workers... the kids were making a hell of a racket as usual, so he told them to keep quiet.

kid: you ask him to keep quiet first! (pointing to one of his friends)
guy: I TOLD YOU TO KEEP QUIET YOU BETTER LISTEN TO ME AND DON'T TALK BACK. JUST SIT DOWN AND SHUT YOUR MOUTH. (no exclamation marks because he said he wasn't shouting, just raising his voice)

the kid sits down with tears welling up in his eyes and i found myself a new hero. later that day we got a complaint from the kid's teacher. fuck the teacher, he's still my hero.

3 marks?

2011-08-26T22:38:00.002+08:00

my exam results were released earlier this week and i failed one out of my four modules this year.

i feel more annoyed by my failure itself than the consequences of failing. it's something that shouldn't have happened.

next year i'll get another chance.

lessons from my favourite songs II

2011-08-20T02:29:00.005+08:00

don't ever fall for the wrong girl.

if you think you love her but you're unable to let her know, then she is the wrong girl.

since we've now ascertained that she is the wrong girl, there's no chance that she is The One for you.

there's no need to mourn over love lost - there wasn't any to begin with.

drill this in your head and life will be easier.

ohhhh woooo...

2011-08-18T01:29:00.003+08:00

this was what he was good at, he thought. after all, he was a scientist, analysing and solving every problem put in front of him.

and one day he met the one unsolvable puzzle - love. he tried tackling it the only way he knew. he pulled it apart, attempting to find the secret which makes it work.

alas, love does not work this way. the unfortunate scientist lost his love, and it was only after love went away that he realised his mistake: he did not use his heart.

is it too late for him now?

this house is not a home

2011-08-11T00:35:00.003+08:00

when i was young i liked to count the number of flags hung out by families during national day. i would stand by all the windows in my house and count as far as my eyes could see, and it is quite far, considering i'm on the 21st floor.

well, that was when i was young and had nothing better to do (the internet was not discovered yet). as i grew older i stopped counting, but have always took notice of the flags. they seemed to get fewer and fewer in number.

this year it seems to be at an all-time low, not just around here but everywhere i go it's the same. is this a passive-aggressive reaction of the nation towards our government? the unhappiness has certainly been brewing for years now.

aside from all the glitz and glamour of the government-made national day parade, do we really care enough to celebrate our nation's birthday? i don't think anyone bothers. it's just a public holiday, nothing more.

from what i see online (not sure if i can trust the internet), the americans really love their fourth of july independence day and all the celebrations related to it, something that has its roots deep within their tradition.

how many decades would it take before singaporeans finally see this country as something to be proud of and something worth celebrating?

try again

2011-08-08T21:31:00.003+08:00

this morning i woke up at 9am and had breakfast, watched some tv, went online, then i got bored at about 10-11am and decided to lie on my bed. when i woke up again, i went to check the time and found it strange that my phone displayed 6:00, when it should have been 2-3pm at most.

after clearing my head, i realised i had slept for the fucking longest time ever, and during that sleep i had yet another one of my fucking epic dreams.

i dreamt that i had been transported back in time to the year 2000. i was young again but with full knowledge of my life till now. i've always thought i would be happy being young again, but when it happened i was desperately trying to figure out how to get back to the present day. after a while it seemed destined that i would get to re-live the past 11 years of my life again.

it might seem like it's a great thing, but i was quite hesitant and filled with worries. after all, i think the present version of me turned out quite alright, and who knows how different my life would turn out with all the changes i would make, like in the butterfly effect, you know?

i wondered if i should try to re-live my life like it has been till the present day, basically following the same series of events and trying my best not to change things, or should i try to make my life better? right all the wrongs that have been made, undo my mistakes and regrets.

i also questioned if i had the energy and life left in me to live through all those years again, and worse being trapped as a 13 year old. secondary school, (not) studying and dealing with all the assorted shit ain't exactly my idea of fun, and i couldn't just fuck it and breeze through since this was now my life and i wasn't just there on holiday before returning to the present.

i went around the house and noticed that many things were not as i remembered them to be, which led me to believe that my presence alone was already causing changes in the world. how much more different would things be after 11 years?

after this i went through various events and for the most part i tried to do things better than i would have done, although at the same time worrying about the long-term effects of my changes.

the perfect girl

2011-08-05T01:54:00.003+08:00

one minor issue which i did not foresee when i tried imagining myself to be in love with random people is that i would actually find myself in love with one of them.

after 9 days (minus a day or 2 when she wasn't around) of looking at Tall-Girl, the image of her that i invented in my head has now stuck. i don't know who she is, but who i imagined her to be, she's perfect, and she's difficult to get out of my head.

see, when i imagined myself in love with these people, i had to give them a personality, a story and some characteristics that i would love. so here i created the perfect girl, an imaginary lover, except in this case she has a physical body to go with it.

and it is from here where things get complicated and borderline psychotic. so i'll leave you here with a song.

at least i've got an autograph

2011-08-03T14:12:00.002+08:00

last night i went to watch warpaint for the second time this year. their set was short, only about an hour so that was rather disappointing. if a 48-year-old robert smith could play for 3 hours...

and the second disappointment was they didn't play this song, my favourite. every time i listen to it i'm reminded of june 2010, the great transition from ns back to student life. me sitting in my bridging night class, wondering what lies ahead, wondering how in the world do the warpaint songs manage to worm their way so deep into my consciousness.

cheap thrills that we dream about

2011-07-31T18:44:00.005+08:00

taken today, 9:58 am

my delegated task at work is a simple one: collect the trolleys and baskets used by the customers and return them to the entry.

doing something simple and brainless like that tends to lead me into attempting to do my work while expending the least amount of energy. after all, basket collecting is an endless (and thankless) process so there's no point in trying to swim against the current (and for only $6/hr?!).

it's a boring job so we had to find something fun to tide us through the boredom. in between futile attempts at trying to convince my work buddy to change his views about the beauty of tall-girl, i started challenging them to push the longest trolley-trains.

i was in the morning shift and we set the record at 43. the night shift broke it with 48, then we went on to 50+. i then did a solo effort of 25 and it was a hell of an effort trying to steer that shit without crashing into shit and people.

this morning was the last day of work and i started forming up the trolley-train again. when i got to 50, there were still a lot more, so i continued stacking. i thought i would stop at 70, which would already shatter the existing record, but there were still a lot more trolleys.

fuck it, it's the last day, i thought, and stacked every single trolley there was at the exit point. final tally? 97. i felt like i was pushing a bus (it was definitely as long as one, maybe more) and i had to kick off a wall to get it moving. i was sweating when i was done but it was damn well worth the effort.

now that i think of it, i probably spent more energy pushing trolley-trains than doing actual work.

oh my gaaad

2011-07-25T16:29:00.002+08:00

my maid fancies herself as a songstress of sorts. from the very first day here she was already singing aloud, something that i found rather weird and awkward, because seriously who the fuck sings out loud (and when it sounds so shitty) on their first day in a new house?

most of the time she sings in a quiet mumble (or whine for the higher pitches), but sometimes she loses control and starts belting out songs as though she was alone at home. this was exceptionally bad for me during my study months because i was practically at home all the time and thus had the joy of experiencing 100% of her singing.

i would be in my room enjoying the peace and quiet when suddenly my ears would pick up a little whining sound, which i'd almost always attribute to the cat (i never learn, but it's not my fault that it doesn't sound human).

before long, the 'cat whining' would start growing louder and i'll wonder 'wtf is wrong with the cat?' until it gets to a point where i'd realise that oh fuck it's my maid singing again, and then i start having the urge to rip my hair out or punch her in the throat.

there was one night she was watching some chinese singing contest on tv and they started to play the pearl harbour song in chinese. i suppose it must have been her favourite song of all time, because she started belting out the english version at the top of her voice, thereby permanently damaging the eardrums of everyone else in the house.

the downsides of experimenting

2011-07-25T00:00:00.002+08:00

the girls at my workplace are pretty... pretty much nothing to look at. my working buddy and i were bemoaning our fate these past few days regarding this sad predicament whereby we're surrounded by females (of all ages and shapes and sizes) but nothing eye-catching or interesting or exciting at all. (the females are probably thinking the same of us)

so after my little experiment as described in my previous post, i began to notice this one girl. she looks so quiet and shy and rather cute, why haven't i noticed her before? then i realised that she seems quite tall-ish. "can't be taller than me," i thought, so i asked my buddy to measure us up.

i casually walked by her and stood as tall as i could beside her for a little moment, and then went back to check the results. "she's definitely taller than you," he said. "like 5cm taller." omg. afterwards i told him that i thought she was starting to look rather cute.

"errrr... you seriously think she's cute?" he asked to confirm my stand, not sure if i was joking or not and probably didn't wanna risk offending me with his stark assessment. yea, i said, and told him about how she's always so quiet and shy and cute.

"i think looking at the girls around here for so long made your standards drop," he said. "she's really one acquired taste."

oh well...

in the end

2011-07-22T21:30:00.002+08:00

sometimes while i ride the subway i try to look at each person and imagine what they look like to someone who is totally in love with them. i think everyone has had someone look at them that way, whether it was a lover, or a parent, or a friend, whether they know it or not. it’s a wonderful thing, to look at someone to whom i would never be attracted and think about what looking at them feels like to someone who is devouring every part of their image, who has invisible strings that are connected to this person tied to every part of their body. i think this fun pastime is a way of cultivating compassion. it feels good to think about people that way, and to use that part of my mind that i think is traditionally reserved for a tiny portion of people i’ll meet in my life to appreciate the general public.
- dean spade.

well today i tried this at work. i looked at my co-workers (strangers, essentially), customers, male and female, young and old, and i imagined how i would perceive them should we be in love.

but first i had to recall what it felt like to be in love, the tenderness and the hope that you see in your partner's face. i took all of that and projected it upon these people.

i tried (tried, because i wasn't actually in love with them) to find something to love in their faces, in the way that you would somehow find a peculiarity in your lover's face lovable.

i looked and i stared and i imagined... and it felt weird as fuck. i guess the one thing it taught me is that love will find a way to make itself work out. no matter how weird you are, someone out there will still love you, somehow.

and nothing

2011-07-21T18:57:00.003+08:00

this morning i was riding to work when it suddenly occurred to me that i had completely forgotten about my 3rd year enlistment anniversary on the 10th of july. something that was once such an important event is now a distant memory hardly worth remembering.

my brother is enlisting this november and although everyone says that national service is getting easier each year, he wouldn't know how easy it is now compared to the past. it doesn't matter how easy it is, because to him it is still going to be the worst shit that he's ever been through.

but in all few years' time it'll be all forgotten.

10

2011-07-20T02:00:00.003+08:00

tomorrow is the first day of a 10 day job i've gotten myself stuck in. it's a sad story really. for the past month i've been rejecting job offers from my friend for all sorts of reasons: too long, too boring, too low pay, etc.

until one morning (or afternoon, i don't remember), i was sleeping and she called me about this 10 day job. quite short, not too boring, hmmm, not bad. EXCEPT THAT THE PAY IS SHIT AND I HAVE TO TRAVEL ACROSS THE ISLAND FOR IT.

but in my half-awake state of mind, somehow i managed to block out the shitty bits and convince myself that it's quite a good offer and accepted it. when i was fully awake, i even calculated my expected pay and somehow managed to screw that up and over-estimate the figure.

it was only when i came close to signing the contract that i realised my folly, but in the end i decided to just fuck it and bite the bullet. hope it turns out well.

so the moral of the story is: don't accept any job offers and you'll never be at risk of having a shitty job.

bullshit theory

2011-07-14T00:19:00.003+08:00

the big bang theory sucks. i'm at episode 6 and i'm dying. the first episode i watched was borderline sucky, but i continued because everyone seems to like it and i hoped that it would get better.

as i watched each episode, the characters started to wear on me. their quirks and general incompetence get so annoying and over-the-top that i feel like smashing something everytime sheldon starts to talk.

i think it's a really shitty show with terrible writing and storylines. the writers are probably jizzing their pants with each obscure-retarded-scientific reference they insert into their dialogues, and they're there in almost every line. everything just becomes ridiculous and plain annoying.

the only thing that impresses me is how the actors manage to memorise and act out such long and ridiculous dialogues. their acting, however, is still crap.

crap acting, crap storylines, crap dialogues, but millions of fans. what is the world coming to?

spooks

2011-07-13T14:06:00.003+08:00

on monday i went swimming and then dinner. i rode back and reached home at about 9+pm. my grandparents were in the hall watching tv. basically a very normal evening.

last night my mother asked me if any of my friends came over on monday. she said that my grandfather told her in the morning that he saw my friend follow me home.

could it be my brother's gf? no, he said. he was very sure that it was me. he said there was a girl who stood behind me and looked into the house but she didn't come in.

so who was that? i don't know. what i do know is that there was definitely no one in the corridor.

madness

2011-07-06T02:54:00.003+08:00

i always feel a sense of loss and sadness when the shows i watch come to an end. the first time i experienced this was when season 3 of the oc ended and i was left with a big WTF feeling, especially after spending over 3 years watching it.

most recently was after i finished watching dirty sexy money and i knew that there wasn't gonna be a new season because the show had been cancelled. the WTF feeling was big because everything was left dangling and unresolved at that point.

i went on to misfits, but i stopped midway through the second season because i didn't want to go through the same shit again. instead, i started watching blue mountain state (which is awesome btw, like american pie with jocks instead of nerds).

i stopped watching that too and just finished watching episode 1 of how i met your mother, which i expect might last me a long time since it's into its 6th season already.

one show i cannot even bear to watch is pushing daisies. i know that it's already been cancelled and these 13 episodes are all i have. it almost feels as though i'd be slowly killing it with every episode i watch, and i'll definitely be devastated when it's over.

football cruelty

2011-07-03T01:53:00.000+08:00

i think chipped goals are the best way to score in football. it's just cruel, really, the way the ball travels so slowly through the air, allowing everyone to watch it go in.

the keeper thinks he has a chance but grasps at thin air as it sails agonisingly out of reach. the defenders hold their breaths, hoping that their keeper will get it or hoping that it'll go over. some determined ones even sprint back for a last-ditch save.

but all these don't matter to the striker. the moment he felt the sweet contact as the ball left his foot, he knew that there was only one outcome: the ball in the back of the net.

july july

2011-07-01T15:51:00.001+08:00

had this video on repeat for the past week after i heard it on misfits.

strange happenings

2011-06-26T15:36:00.003+08:00

my mother told me that my maid recently made a new friend from the neighbourhood. the friend is now working as a maid, but she used to sing for a living in japan (ktv hostess? no idea).

she lost her job after the tsunami and so had to come here to work as a maid. anyway my maid said that her singing is very nice and she would ask the woman to sing to her over the phone.

you think that's strange? after my mother told me this story, something i saw a few days ago finally made sense.

i went into the kitchen and my maid was standing by the window, singing to herself (as usual). but then i saw that she was holding her phone like she was using it.

wtf was she doing? was she singing into the phone?! i rejected that idea on the grounds of pure absurdity.

it seems that she was in fact singing a duet with her friend, over the phone. WTF?

try it

2011-06-25T15:34:00.004+08:00

'happy' in chinese is 开心, which means open heart. that's how it works isn't it? if you want to be happy you have to open your heart to the world.

but of course, there wouldn't be happiness without sorrow, and opening your heart leaves you vulnerable to both. too bad there's no way around this, you can't just want the good bits without the bad.

so try opening your heart and maybe you might even like it.

runaway

2011-06-23T15:48:00.004+08:00

perhaps some of you might recall my ill-fated attempt at running before i went to ns. i didn't even wear the shoes one time, and i gave them to my father last year. i think he has worn them.

i went to ns and reached my peak fitness level at about late 2008 to early 2009. i could run about 9:40 with relative ease. then i ended my training and got the office job.

there, i went to the gym very often because there wasn't much else to do. i hardly ever ran because i really really hate running. running is just making yourself tired for no damn reason.

instead, i was inspired by this video and decided to train myself to do a one-arm pull-up and also reach 20 normal pull-ups. it worked and i managed to do it, and my pull-ups also increased to over 25.

once i got it, there wasn't much reason for me to continue. i didn't see the point in getting to 30 or to do more one-arm pull-ups. the challenge had been completed and it wasn't interesting to me anymore.

i think that was around april 2010, which was also the last time i pulled on my running shoes. since then i've finished my ns and been living a rather sedentary lifestyle. soccer once a week and that's about it.

i still work out at home but nothing too extreme. the biggest accomplishment i've did was probably doing a pull-up with 23kg of weight on me. i watched as my stomach grew bigger each day.

finally on tuesday i decided that the growth of my stomach had to stop. i would now embark on a training program to regain my ippt gold and the $400 that comes with it.

yesterday morning i went to the stadium to test my running. for the first time in over a year, i ran. i was aiming for 1:45 per round but i ran too fast. first round was 1:30, and each round got progressively slower till i died midway through the 5th.

for the first time in my life, i failed to complete a 2.4 run. i knew i was fucked big time, but i guess at least this means that i have a big challenge ahead. all the more reason to work hard.

this morning i went for a run again. i still really really hate it, but it has to be done... making myself tired for a reason.

devil and god

2011-06-18T16:48:00.003+08:00

i walked out of an old gothic-style church with a priest. outside, there was a river winding past the church and into the town. i saw two red demonic humanoids walking into the river.

the larger one i recognised as satan, and the mini version i assumed was his son. "how dare they appear before a church," i thought. i shouted at them without fear as i believed that god would protect us, especially with the priest there with me.

the priest was very afraid and told me to shut up. i shouted at them again. they waded out of the water and headed towards us, and the priest was terrified now.

satan then blasted me away with his powers. he didn't kill me because i was just a nobody. instead, he blasted the priest with his full force and killed him.

i blacked out and when i awoke, 10 years had passed. the place looked very different. i headed home, only to find that most of my neighbours have died in the time when i was away. fortunately my family was still living in the same apartment.

the spirits of my dead neighbours and their pets now haunted the deserted building. the first time i went out, there was a little bird with us that i assumed was our pet. when we passed by one of the apartments, the spirit of my neighbour's dead dog possessed the bird and it flew around crazily.

i went home and the second time i went out, there was a little girl with me. while passing another apartment, the girl got possessed and ran into the apartment. we followed her in and then there was a whole lot of exorcist shit going on.

things were flying about and there were demonic voices and screaming everywhere. i was shouting at the spirit to leave her alone, but there were several powerful spirits in the apartment. finally she ran into the bathroom and we sort of trapped her inside.

i looked up at the ceiling and there was a face of a woman, reflected up there by the bathroom mirror. "I KNOW WHO YOU ARE! LEAVE HER ALONE!" i shouted, and the mirror exploded, sending shards of glass flying everywhere.

i woke up and my heart was pounding. i lay there for a good 10 seconds unable to move, trying to make sense of what had just happened.

idle idol

2011-06-18T01:05:00.003+08:00

it's been a month (!) since my exams were over. i still haven't been on holiday with no concrete plans on one. i haven't gotten myself a job like many of my friends have. i think the only major thing i've done was to complete this project, and it looks quite good, hanging on the wall in front of me now. can't get you a picture because my phone died.

what have i been doing? nothing much really, just chilling the fuck out and doing whatever i please. it's really quite sad knowing that this holiday could well be my last one. next year i would be graduating, assuming no major fuck-ups, and possibly have a real full-time job by this time next year.

so yea, not really in any rush to start my working life. just enjoy the last of my freedom before it's all gone.

the world that we live in

2011-06-16T03:15:00.003+08:00

so having a laptop means i can finally resume watching the shows that i stopped 3 years ago, when i was so free before enlisting. in the time that's passed, tudou.com stopped being as awesome as it was back then and whatever little shows they had took a shitty long time to load.

i had to resort to other non-streaming methods to watch, but the untimely demise of my old laptop in april 2009 meant that i had to use my family computer. thinking that it was only a temporary measure, i decided not to do any downloading there until i got a new laptop.

alas, this temporary measure continued for over 2 years until now. i missed the gossip girl craze (thank god), missed how i met your mother (unfortunately), and probably a whole list of other shows that i've never even heard of due to my exile.

i didn't feel much loss over missing out on those stuff. i only felt very uncomfortable in knowing that season 2 of both pushing daisies and dirty sexy money were just there, waiting to be watched. soooo close yet so far.

now i'm at episode 6 of dirty sexy money, catching up on all the lost time. it's still as great as ever, and i really don't understand why BOTH shows got cancelled after season 2 when absolute fucking crap like jersey shore is being produced...

hurts

2011-06-14T02:35:00.003+08:00

on saturday morning i went to city harvest church for my cousin's wedding. it was supposed to start at 10.45 but it was not until 11.15 that the emcee came on stage.

prior to that, i noticed a guitar and keyboard and drum set beside the stage and i found it rather odd, but i figured that they were just left there for use if needed.

so the emcee guy started the introductions and stuff, thank you all for coming today we are gathered here for the wedding ceremony etc. now let us stand and...

he started singing christian songs. a guitarist and keyboardist mysteriously appeared and they started playing too. the lyrics were projected onto the screen.

my initial reaction was FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU. i completely forgotten that city harvest tend to sing songs for all occasions. i've been there for a brief period when i was 13 and now that i think of it, all i can remember was sitting around singing songs.

10 minutes into the singing, he was now just repeating the chorus over and over again. each time he finishes, i'm thinking YES it's finally over, but then FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU he starts all over agan.

and when he was really finally finally done, he left the stage and a pastor came up to take over the emcee role. so i guess that guy was really just a singer.

shitty

2011-06-13T02:36:00.004+08:00

over the weekend i went to the pc show and got myself a new asus laptop. i spent just under $2000 on it and it seems reasonable for the specs.

i then spent the rest of the weekend getting absolutely pissed off with it. maybe i've raised my expectations too high, but a brand new laptop should not be this slow and shitty.

i don't know if it's the normal standard of the new windows 7 (which is a piece of shit as well) because the most advanced system i've ever used was the good old xp.

it takes forever to start up or shut down, and even opening the 'my computer' page could load for minutes. some of the things like the volume control buttons only work once in a while.

what in the world have i gotten myself into? i was expecting some trouble getting used to the new laptop but this is just... is it really normal to be this shitty?

i should get someone who knows to take a look at it, or just send it back to asus and ask them wtf is wrong with this damn thing. argh.

aside from the laptop, many of the new versions of programs are fucking shit too. the new windows media player is one, absolutely annoying to use. the new msn messenger removed the nickname function WTF?

our falling bombs are her shooting stars

2011-06-10T13:37:00.000+08:00

i was in a rebellion with a group of young guys, ready to fight. suddenly 2 of our guys ran over and said that the enemy was approaching. i thought that the 2 of them were spies, but i joined the crowd to get our weapons first, just in case.

i grabbed my rifle and 2 magazines (for bullets, not reading) and prepared myself. we were in sort of a big courtyard, with walls on 3 sides. most of us were standing in the bottom left corner of the walls.

before i could even load my rifle, 2 enemy planes came flying over the trees. they split up and one started dropping bombs in front of us, cutting us off between the wall behind us and the wall of bombs in front.

we ran rightwards in the direction the plane was traveling, hoping to outrun the bombs (lol). i could see the bombs falling and exploding as i ran, but the second plane flew by and cut us off again, dropping bombs all the way.

i was now trapped by walls on 2 sides and bombs on the other 2. i watched as a bomb fell right in front of me and i knew that it was the end. as the bomb exploded and the fire roared towards me and the rest of my doomed comrades, i wondered to myself how death would feel like.

would it hurt or would it just be like waking up from a dream? i woke up right when the flames engulfed me.

to infinity and beyond

2011-06-09T01:20:00.003+08:00

sometimes it confuses my tiny brain when i think about the world around me. somehow i just can't seem to grasp the vastness of space, how incredibly huge the universe is and how incredibly insignificant we are, and i am.

in the grand scheme of things, we are all nothing. but i am everything, I am all that i know! i struggle to accept that one day i will be nothing.

for eternity.

love?

2011-06-07T20:29:00.000+08:00

all girls are the same. they may be different as individuals, but as girls they are still inherently the same.

so the fun (and trouble) is in finding one that is different, a girl whom you see and know she's not one of them.

and then pray and pray that she will not turn out to be just another imposter.

late night request

2011-06-06T02:20:00.002+08:00

it's not that i have nothing to write about, i just haven't been in the mood to turn my thoughts into words.

in fact, my mind has been on a roll lately. i think up such awesome works in my head, everything in perfect clarity the moment they appear, no (mental) editing required.

when i sleep, i dream of awesome dreams. seriously i dreamt i was discussing some stuff with a guy and i said to myself (in my dream) "wow, i'm so awesome." when i woke up i was impressed by the fertility of my mind since i had just created a movie in my head, complete with full dialogue and all.

but yea, everything is in my head. there's nothing for you here.

what would you like to read? i'll write it for you.

it's time

2011-06-03T15:42:00.003+08:00

remember the time when i had a new phone? on tuesday the screen decided to stop working, and i had to switch back to my awesome nokia flip phone.

it has no ringtones (not even the one that goes ring-ring), no games (i deleted them all), a shitty camera, zero memory space left... it has nothing but it works despite being 6 years old. new phones have everything but what's the damn point if it gets fucked in less than 2 years?

well one thing i found out was that the nokia phone only reads up to 250 contacts saved on my sim card. that was fine back in the day, but i guess i've gotten a whole shitload of contacts (whom i don't contact) over the past 2 years.

now my contact list only goes up to U, and i can't save any new contacts. think it's time to get me a new phone, a flip phone, because flip phones are just that much cooler to use and only cool people can appreciate it.

tonight, tonight

2011-05-28T18:17:00.004+08:00

when barcelona won the champions league in 2006, they were probably my second favourite team, behind manchester united. fast attacking football lead by ronaldinho, who till this day is still the most exciting player i've seen.

messi was then an injury-prone, hot prospect for the future and ronaldinho looked set to stay as the world's best player for at least a few more years.

5 years later, messi holds the title of being the world's best player for the past 2 years. ronaldinho has long faded into obscurity. barcelona is regarded as the world's greatest team, but has now turned into the team which i despise the most.

barcelona's fast attacking football has evolved into a monster known as tiki-taka, aka the new anti-football. don't get me wrong, they are good as hell at what they do, but it bores and irritates the shit out of me (and their opponents).

holding 70% possession of the ball every match, it is common to see them passing the ball 1,000 times and end up at precisely the same spot they started off. once they've bored their opponents enough to make a mistake, they then spring the killer pass to messi to finish them off.

some people claim that what they're doing is THE beautiful game, the way that football should be played, that barcelona are gods and they can do whatever the hell they like. fuck these people.

they stifle their opponents to the point where there is nothing to watch, except to wait and wait for everyone to fall asleep and they'll hit the killer pass. if that's not bad enough, the team is now filled with absolute cunts, the scum of the earth.

busquets, pedro, mascherano, alves, valdez... behaving like utter cunts, diving, play-acting, it's just disgusting that a team with their amount of talent have to behave like that, and yet be regarded as the best in the world. just watch this video after the 2nd minute.

tonight it's the final of the champions league, barcelona vs manchester united. for the sake of the whole world, i hope they get destroyed so badly that all the dumb fucks who think they're the best will just give up and shut up.

-------------------------------------------

update:

zzz

tsk tsk

2011-05-26T01:50:00.003+08:00

playlist for the moment

1. rebellion (lies) - arcade fire
2. 23 - jimmy eat world
3. alexithymia - anberlin
4. time's arrow - thursday
5. summer stars - via audio
6. shadows (neon lights remix) - warpaint
7. daisy - brand new
8. falling away with you - muse
9. laura laurent - bright eyes
10. famous last tears - a vacant affair

of course i would recommend it.

me?

2011-05-24T19:06:00.003+08:00

i figured out some time ago that all the craziness i felt in the second half of last year was because i was confused by the passage of time.

some days i wondered wow, when is this ever going to end? other times i wished the moment would never end.

some days felt like weeks, and others passed like i haven't woken up from a deep sleep.

and then all the shitty days that felt like they would last forever, and the wonderful days i hoped would last forever, they all just went away and ceased to exist.

they were all gone and i was the only thing left behind.

regardless of what it felt like or what i wanted it to be, the clock was still ticking away at its same old pace, and i just couldn't reconcile this in my head.

it may sound silly now but it certainly didn't feel that way.

for a moment

2011-05-21T23:38:00.002+08:00

during laneway in january, it was late in the night, towards the end of the event and someone was blowing bubbles from the back of the crowd.

god knows how many bubbles they blew, but a small number found themselves carried by the wind to the stage. under the stage lights, they were a pretty sight, but their moment of glory came not then, but when they finally burst.

if it was at the right moment when it was caught by the stage lights, if it burst at that instant, the little pop turned the bubble into a billion tiny droplets that formed a beautiful, shimmering mist.

no love lost

2011-05-16T21:18:00.002+08:00

love, it's just a strong and powerful word, but in the end it is just one word. love, there are no subtitles and disclaimers to clarify its meaning, to remind others of all the madness and confusion that usually accompanies the idea of love.

i love you (but i'm not really sure).
i love you (until i meet someone better).
i love you (a lot).
i love you (if that's what you want).
i love you (do you love me back?).

see there're so many different ways to love, and only one word to express it. i think it's a dangerous word and its use should be strictly limited.

really?

2011-05-16T13:45:00.002+08:00

anxiety is the killer, i once said. it was strange to note that this past exams i felt almost zero anxiety. i was already preparing myself for the inevitable bad dreams since the beginning of the year, but they never came.

i thought it was still too early for me to feel anything, but even down to the last month and final days, there was nothing. sure, i dreamt of ghosts and running away from the police and bad guys etc but nothing that portrayed my anxiety.

it's not as though i have been really well-prepared for this exams, so i figured it must be because i've spent too long waiting for it to the point where i didn't really give a fuggg anymore.

on the edge of the water

2011-05-12T21:05:00.000+08:00

4 papers in 3 days, and then it was all over.

the problem with things like this is that we always expect there to be some kinda BOOMZ explosion of happiness or joy or something there to greet us at the end.

in reality it's just life back to normal, and normal's hardly an explosion.

maybe it's just me.

X

2011-05-08T17:09:00.002+08:00

so the elections have ended. back when i was in ns i did a little bit of work in choosing suitable locations to hold the polling stations. inane stuff, but little did i know that this election, my first, would be such a big thing.

for one, i never knew singaporeans to be interested in politics, which still holds true now, because posting a bunch of crap on fb and attending rallies every 5 years doesn't really mean anything.

so anyway i saw that a lot of people were saying FUGGG the PAP they SUXXX etc which lead me to believe that they don't know shit, because obviously the PAP has been doing rather well or else we wouldn't be where we are now.

besides, the other parties aren't exactly top quality at this point, which further proves that these people don't know shit. if the PAP goes down, who the hell is gonna take over?

all that being said, i don't really care who they vote for, as long as they have a good reason behind it (no, PAP SUXXX is not a good reason).

as for me, i think that what the PAP is doing now was the right thing to do maybe 20 years ago. its power mongering tactics are not sustainable in the long run. when the day finally comes where they fall out of favour with the entire nation, there has so be people who are good enough to step up and take over.

controlling all the power leaves little developmental opportunities for the alternative parties and if they have to step up, they won't be good enough, just as they are now.

strange happenings

2011-05-06T22:18:00.002+08:00

i was listening to this video just a minute ago and when he started singing i suddenly felt like crying. tears actually welled up in my eyes WTF?

very strange because i was just reading fb365 and not doing anything that might affect my emotions. and i've never really given too much of a fuck to this song either.

WTF?

daisy

2011-04-30T14:07:00.002+08:00

lyrics

sometimes when you find that nothing seems to work, you gotta allow yourself to be reborn. it'll be alright.

million dollars

2011-04-28T15:52:00.002+08:00

"well theoretically speaking we could be in love right now. but the problem is, i don't believe in love."

silence.

"ok i lied. the problem is you."

free time

2011-04-28T02:29:00.003+08:00

i have about 15 minutes before soccer starts so here's a little something to pass the time.

on love:
love is only love when it's in the steady state, when both parties have recovered their equilibrium from the initial euphoria. 1 year, maybe 2.

of course people feel that they're in love at the beginning, but that's just the chemicals messing with their heads. they're crazy, not in love.

sometimes i feel rather uncomfortable when couples use the word love, because more often than not, getting together is just the beginning of the end.

maybe it's because when love comes so easily, it'll leave just as easily too.

legend

2011-04-27T02:41:00.002+08:00

he glimpses a future society where infection is normal and he, neville, is a murderous biological deviant. as he turns away and swallows the pills, neville grasps the reversal that has taken place and that just as vampires were legend in pre-infection times now he, an obsolete exemplar of old humanity, is legend in the eyes of the new race born of the infection. the sheer ridiculousness of it all causes neville to chuckle as he dies, his last thoughts being "[i am] a new superstition entering the unassailable fortress of forever. i am legend."
- wiki

sorry if i spoilt it for you, but i am going to buy the book even though i've read it all on wiki.

it's time

2011-04-26T13:42:00.003+08:00

it's almost exactly 2 weeks to my exams (4 papers in 3 days) and i think very soon i'm gonna have to start learning stuff from wiki again.

some of my courses require us to exhibit wider knowledge of the subject, none of which is imparted to us by our lecturers. so where else is better than wiki?

it gives a good enough overview without me having to delve too deep into unfamiliar waters. i don't want to know everything, i just need to know up to the limit where i'm not busting my brains.

i've been studying very selectively too, and only at times when the feeling comes. otherwise i just find myself reading and re-reading the same sentence over and over.

i see some of my friends putting in a full day's shift, 7 days a week plus OT, and i admire their determination, but i know i wouldn't be able to learn anything that way.

just hope everyone comes out fine. i don't think i've faced such a great threat of failure since... sec 4 amaths.